to be with dolphins...

I'm remembering the sounds of wild dolphins swimming all around me in the open ocean...hundreds of them gracefully gliding. Free. As far down as I could look were these magnificant animals, as far in every direction that is all I saw. I cannot describe what it was like to swim amongst the pod...probably all who had never seen human beings, yet alone welcomed them into their midst. I was terrified...yet, it was the feeling of being in awe that overwhelmed me...I had never witnessed anything like that before. For just a few short minutes of my life I was in this other world. I wanted to push the "pause" button and not let time slip away...

This experience taught me a lot. I learned what it means to feel small...to not have control, but try to be okay with it...to let the simplicity of life carry me. I felt like I was a part of something big...something extraordinary...

My heart aches. I long for healing. Yet, it seems to come so slowly. I wish I could bring others into this world of peacefulness that I experienced with the dolphins. I wish I could gather everyone's pain in a bottle and throw it far far away...but it doesn't work like that. And all we have to offer is love - this gesture that often seems so pitiful and insignificant, and hope that in some way, it helps.

I like to dream big...it gives me this feeling of hope - that there can be something more. One of my all time dreams is to have a beautiful big house on the edge of an ocean with miles of white sand, more flowers than I can imagine, horses, golden retrievers, and big oak tree forests with endless hiking possibilities. And it would be a place of rest, peace, hope, comfort, warmth, and grace. For those who are lonely. Single moms who have no where to turn for help. Girls who seek acceptance through prostitution and never seem to find it. People overcome by addiction. Someone who has nothing but a cardboard box to their name. Those who are left out. Forgotten. Invisible. This is what my heart aches for. Can you imagine a place like this?!? Where everyone feels like they belong and has something to give...and also where they can rest in the feeling of being loved no matter what baggage they carry or what scars they have...a place to just be.

There's something I have realized...I am screwing up. I want to be a person of warmth, of love, of grace, of acceptance. Yet, I am given many opportunities to do this, and I don't. I understand that everything starts small and I can only do so much - yet if I am not even doing the small things, what am I doing at all? Am I capable of such love?

Here is the company statement read on the front page of the application forms for Starbucks:

"Starbucks Coffee Company is an equal opportunity employer, dedicated to a policy of non-discrimination in employment on any basis including race, color, age, sex, religion, national origin, the presense of mental, physical, or sensory disability, sexual orientation, or any other basis prohibited by federal, or provincial law."

I feel like that should be my life statement. Yet, it is so much easier to put into words than into actions. I want to yell at the top of my lungs "equality for all!!!!"...and see if something happens...maybe my first impressions of people will be replaced by a knowledge that each person has brokenness they are hiding. Maybe I have to learn to be more comfortable in my uncomfortableness. To grasp onto the fact that each of us is hurting and we need each other. I want to find that freedom that I felt with the dolphins. And maybe in an idealistic world we can live in a big house by the ocean - and offer a place of escape - but for now we are here. And for now, I need to sit in my frustrations...and go to sleep. Because it is late and I think I have had enough of "contemplating the mysteries of the universe" for one day. :)

the best song EVER

"If Today Was Your Last Day"

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Renewal

I miss this view.

For several summers, this was how I started each day. This was "my chair", my own place to go and relax and think.

I think we all need a place like this...it is just hard to find it when you live in the middle of a huge city.

Oh I love the country and stillness and the peace that quiet open areas bring me.

As Jennie said that Wendell Berry said...


"I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting for their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."

ok...it looks like Jennie gets yet ANOTHER blog post dedicated to her.

So. Because Jennie has asked me probably 10 times in the last week (i might be exaggerating just a tad...) if I have blogged lately and when I say no, she's always like "ohhh...well, I think you should blog". So, I guess this is out of feeling guilty. Or to please her. But I realized maybe its time for me to write on here just for fun again..since it's been a while. I am a people pleaser at heart...I don't like people being unhappy or frustrated and often find that I do everything in my power to keep everyone happy around me. Conflict scares me...even though I have dealt with my share of it in my lifetime. But yet, I've always found that the uncomfortableness about conflict - if you handle the situation right - can often be resolved and bring people back to being happy again (possibly even closer than before). Not in all cases, as I have discovered. One very particular situation pops into my mind which involved weeks of akwardness, one very big screaming match in a dorm hallway, "trying" to see both sides to the story, probably being very unsuccessful at seeing that, crying, ignoring, backstabbing, and the list goes on. Twas not such a wonderful experience, but it did teach me quite a bit too. Girls can be mean. And make me want to tear my hair out sometimes...especially if you are the one listening and trying to be a "mediator" - whatever that means. It's hard and frustrating. Hmmm...now I'm wondering what brought me to the place of thinking of these things...oh yeah. People pleasing. haha. So, to wrap it up, there are definately times where everyone does not end up happy and conflict cannot be resolved. For those times, there are always desks to hide under (wink wink), beds to crawl in and lights to turn off. Sometimes, its fun to escape. But mostly, its those times that I want to escape that I have to attack the situation head on.

I have the wonderful opportunity of living with 6 other girls in a big green house in a great part of town. The birds are chirping today even though its still -20 out there...oh WHEN will summer be here?!? I am egerly anticipating that time...spring is my favorite....and fall...those brief months where it is somewhere in between our normal extremes of either -40 or +40. oh WHY do we choose to live in the most extreme weather area of the world!!! Often, it doesn't make sense to me.

Ok....I am running out of things to say. I am consumed with frustrations of application processes and on-line programs that don't know how to recognize the fact that identical twins ARE two separate people...what you have to deal with when you are a twin....hmmm...but I must say it is more like 90% good, 10% frustrating. So, there is my being positive. I love being a twin. Honestly. It's fun. :)

Enough for now. I hope you are satisfied Jennie. And whoever else reads this thing...sometimes i think no one does and then I think to myself "why do I even do this?"...hmmmm..but i guess its fun and a stress reliever at the same time, so I shall continue. :)

Ever have one of those days where you feel like ranting...about everything that bugs the crap out of you? I am having one of those days...and thought that I'd share with you my top 5 pet peeves. So enjoy. Agree or disagree with me, it's up to you. Some of these things may seem unimportant or trivial, but whatever, we all get annoyed at things that happen around us in day to day activities...so I hope you have fun (and maybe even enjoy) reading my rants. Any thoughts/opinions/or other pet peeves are gladly welcomed in response. :)

1) One of my biggest pet peeves is when people buy bottled water. PEOPLE! We live in one of the most fresh water rich countries in the world...it is clean, tastes good and is better quality out of the tap than almost anywhere else you go. Just ask for a cup, or buy a nalgene (or stainless steel bottle b/c apparently nalgene's cause cancer...) and fill it up with tap water. Also, if you are with me, save yourself the lecture and please don't buy a bottle of water for like 2 bucks (or $5 if you are at the movie theatre...grrrr...), it will annoy the heck out of me - PLUS, you will save your money! And if you are one of the many people that use the excuse that the water here doesn't taste good...then go buy a brita filter! It is a one time expense, makes the water taste even better, and takes away any of the "floaties" that you may be worried about.

Pet Peeve #2) I can hardly contain my intensity about this topic. I am in my fourth year of university now, and have taken more classes than I can count had hundreds of hours of listening to lectures. There is a certain time when the class is supposed to end, right? It seems like as this time approaches, starting at 5 minutes before and escalating up till the minute that the class is "dismissed", people start moving around, fidgiting, putting books/binders away, putting jackets on, and talking to their neighbors, without having enough RESPECT to keep quiet until the prof says the class is over. It's like we live in a world where students think that even if the prof is still talking, but the clock says the time is almost up, it gives them the right to talk over what he/she is trying to say and by doing so is outrightly saying to the prof "okay now, you're time is up...you have to finish speaking because I have to move on with my much more preferred schedule." As if it would be soo hard to just sit there in silence and politely wait for 1-2 more minutes (longer for the more impatient ones..). This bugs me soooo much. I will never understand why people can't just wait. It is RUDE. The prof is trying to do their job and must feel very unheard, disrespected or that the students don't care what the heck they are saying (they are just putting in "time" to get the degree). So...please...if you are one of those people - STOP. Try to see it from the profs perspective and how that must be so frustrating to them. If you aren't one of those people... thank-you! You are welcome to join me in my position and get annoyed at people who do that...or maybe we can start a website...or a facebook group..or something.

Pet Peeve #3) Going on the bus everyday, I have the priviledge of observing people a lot. This is one of my favorite things to do because people can be so interesting...and weird...hmmm.
Something that I've noticed is how people treat bus drivers. Like they are not there. I guess it would be just too much of an effort to meet their eyes, acknowledge their existence, and say HI! Or when you are getting off the bus, to say "Thank-you!". Apparently, it's just a lot easier to flash your bus pass to them like they are an automatic detection devise scanning to detect whether you have an actual pass or a "fake ID pass". Just a reminder, bus drivers ARE people...they work long hours and get us around the city safely, and I have yet to meet many unfriendly bus drivers. I'm sure they appreciate a thank-you for the hard work they put in...

Pet Peeve #4) When people are making toast...and they put just a small clump of margarine in the middle of the piece, sort of "spread it out"a couple of centimeters - then eat it. So, all the margarine is in the middle of it, clumped together, and the rest of it is as dry as a desert and crunchy...ewwww!!

Pet peeve #5) Ever have one of those times where you meet someone for the first time and they shake your hand...but "shake" wouldn't be the right word for it...maybe "gently touch", "politely move" or "hardly grasp" would be better terms for the experience. It's like they are scared to grip you too firmly because your bones may break. Or whatever the reason. It just bugs me.

I know there are some more where that came from...but that's enough for now. I feel better. Ranting is awesome....you should try it sometime :)

How can someone feel so completely alone...
when they are surrounded by people?

When the protective walls come up
To mask whats really going on...

To hide.
Because it feels like no one would understand.
What its like.

Christmas is coming...

Christmas is just around the corner!!!!
yippers!!! Just a few more days of procrastination and then I don't need to feel so guilty about not studying anymore....