in the stillness...and the crazy-ness :)

There was a really big thunderstorm on monday night. I was on my second day of my solo camping trip taking Ivy for a walk down through some "do not enter" restricted paths they were reconstructing...I know...it was illegal, but it felt good. :) As the thunder got crazier, and people ran to their campers/tents to seek cover, I kept walking. Walking through a good thunderstorm is one of my favorite things to do...and I've found that going "against the grain" and doing something opposite that everyone else around you is doing is a pretty great feeling of freedom. It reminded me that I am free and can be free to do what I want.

This last week, I've been reflecting on what my solo time meant to me. After wanting to do a trip like that for a couple years now, I am so glad I finally just did it. Here are some of my reflections:

- walking through an entire campground for a few days alone, I began to realize what being lonely is. Everyone around me had someone. I didn't see one person camping by themselves there and a couple times really felt strongly the reality that I did not have anyone to talk to. Its interesting that the hardest part was each night not having anyone to say goodnight to. Such a simple thing that I haven't thought of much, but not having it made me realize how much that makes me feel loved. I was thinking about how I struggled three days without it, yet some people (i.e.those who are homeless/living alone with no support) don't have it for months/years/a lifetime. I can't imagine.

-I think some but not all people know that I have quite an intense fear of wild animals that can kill me (i.e. bears, cougars, etc...). I often try to tell myself that I will be okay, and I am trying to work on this fear. Maybe its because I grew up in the prairies and once i'm in a "danger zone" I get freaked out because of all the stories i've heard. Anyway, the pretty harmless black bears of Bird's Hill Park to most people aren't a big deal at all. But I saw an off road self-guided trail into the back woods in the park and I realized that I had to take it. Alone. (well, I took Ivy, but in the case of a bear attack, i'm not sure if she'd protect me or run away....). It was just a few kilometers, but enough to make me take a bunch of deep breaths and do the whole "you are not going to get eaten by a bear...just keep walking..." thing. And I MADE IT! I know its not a big deal to most people to be able to do something like that, but to me it was a realization that I do not want to run away from things that scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. I so easily stay in my comfort zone and am realizing that I want to break that...slowly but surely to encourage myself to not be paralyzed by fear, but to step out and start living life more freely.

- I have been thinking alot about community lately. I've realized that we often talk about community as it being a good thing. But what is a community without love? I was in a "community" in the park, yet felt so very alone. I've been in communities in churches yet have felt alone. It is community built on love that makes someone feel a "part" of it. It's like Kutless' song "Sea of faces" that reminds me of this the most - how we can be a part of so many communities all around us, yet when it comes to actually feeling a part of any of them, this can be non-existant. When we say "it's good to live in community", what we are really saying is that its good to live with people we love and who love us. Because without that, its just empty community...its living/being with people but having no connection. I was thinking while camping about this whole aspect of community and how strongly I feel about this. I realized that there is so much truth to the idea that our "ness" as humans really comes down to "love and be loved" as what holds us together and helps us through life. I think that last sentence was confusingly written, but hope you understand where I'm going. We are empty without love - being able to give or receive it. And as i was sitting in my loneliness, I was realizing that given a few more weeks/months of the same thing and I'm pretty sure I would literally go crazy. I do not mean to say this lightly. I think there is a connection between people who are without love/lonely and the link to mental health issues,addictions and the high rate of unsuccessful marriage.

Maybe I will dive into these thoughts and more later on, but for now, I need to put some sunscreen on (I'm now paying the price for forgetting this essential stuff last weekend), and go biking around Osborne/the Exchange District with a friend from work. We are going to go to some sweet vintage and music stores! :) Possibly Value village too...always a good time. I love a good deal. I think there may be some Mennonite blood in me after all...or maybe it has to do with not having lots of money. Or growing up a kid who raked people's lawns for 15 cents a huge garbage bag. And i thought that was a fortune!! :)

Oh yeah. And my insane love of country music was renewed last night having a massive bonfire with some girl and guy friends by the river, blasting the music as loud as we could and dancing and hiking through the forest and playing soccer and realizing that I am for sure going to Keith Urban's concert! :) woo hoo! Yea for country!

Adios for now :)