It's almost Christmas time...one of my favorite times of the year. I spent a wonderful day yesterday with my parents, decorating trees outside with lights and putting ornaments on the Christmas tree. :)
I feel soo relaxed these days, but the problem is I am trying to figure out what to do next. I had a wonderful experience taking TESOl with 14 other people (age 22-65), it stretched me far outside my comfort zone and I made some new friends with similar passions to mine. I found practicum to be the toughest part of the whole program. As I am thankful it is over now, it pushed me to do something I am not confident about, and also made me realize once again that I am often capable of much more than I think I am. I taught 2 groups of international students, mostly from Korea, China and Saudi Arabia. And I was reminded of how loud a group of Asian girls can be in the bathroom all together. Teaching them can be just as interesting, and I was often surrounded after class as they all gathered around me saying "thank-youuuu teacher!!!" in long, drawn out, high-pitched voices.
I woke up a few days ago and cranked my neck badly. I thought it would go away, but still today, I am not able to move my head around too much as everything is incredibly stiff and painful. I hope this is not going to end up being a trip to the chiropractor's office. But I must push that aside, as I am jobless and really need to start earning some much needed cash. So, off handing out resume's I go (cranked neck and all)...it's funny how school can be such a comfort zone for me...it's a place I belong and something I am committed to for a certain amount of time. Now that its over, I need to brace myself and, once again, enter the "real world" and try to pay the bills.
I am looking forward to Christmas holidays, with my favorite recipie of half-hour pudding, best dessert ever! And snuggling by the fire place sounds pretty inviting right now. So does an advil.
Merry Christmas all!! To everyone here and my friends overseas, I hope you can feel loved this season and bring love to those around you.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
So. I got home last night and through a turn of events, I now feel like there is hope in this world...that there ARE good people out there. Someone left three bags of groceries on my doorstep yesterday...for myself and dear Jennie. No note. No letter. Nothing. Just an amazing amount of everything we dream of...(hense, my last blog post)...I couldn't believe it and Jennie couldn't believe it when she got home. So. To whoever this mystery person is...THANK-YOU. If you read this. haha. What an incredible blessing to us. We woke up this morning and both got excited to pack a real live lunch and supper for the day! And my, did my chicken and red pepper sandwich ever taste yummy! :) Experiencing the gift of generosity from someone else is something that is quite inspiring to me. I want to be able to do stuff like that...to help people around me who might not have what I have. I was reminded last night of when a nice older lady with her friends paid for my burger once after seeing me count out quarters and pennies (literally)...it really meant a lot more to me than she probably knew. Even if its something small, it really is the thought that counts.
So, I have been reminded that even though I may not have much, it is always more than someone else around me has. If I can be generous with what I have, and the next person can be generous with what they have, we can all help each other in our own little ways :) It's like the movie "Pay it Forward"...which seriously every time I watch it, it makes me cry.
Thank-you, mystery person, for sparking this in me and for making my day soo bright.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
crackers, dates, and creamed corn
There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when one has just $4.00 to their name. ONE = me
$4.00 = as much as I have owned for the last several weeks
This picture of a desert kinda reminds me of me. hmmmm...well, at least in the aspect that I long to buy things that are only for "rich" people (things like new shoes, a meal out, or even the occasional package of meat). I guess I feel like those things might fill some sort of need...like I would be able to put a picture of a lush green forest up there instead of a desert as soon as I would be wealthy enough to actually own these items.
Over the past week or so especially, myself and my dear roomie Jennie, have been stumped by our lack of meal choices...I have often come to the conclusion that, yet again, today's supper will be dates, with crackers and a side of creamed corn. yum. I have longed to have a real meal. One that comes out of the oven and makes the house smell like Heaven. But I have realized that those days are yet to come. And for now, at least Jennie and I have resorted to the fact that we will one day laugh about all this and remember our "poorer" days. Living each day with only a few dollars makes you appreciate all the more when you can actually go to the grocery store and buy an abundance of colorful foods and sweets and yummy tasting dinner foods.
The other day I walked past good old Starbucks and found myself desiring a hot drink. I looked in at all the fortunate people drinking their specialty drinks and I was quite jealous. I wanted a specialty drink. And I sat in a few moments of feeling sorry for myself and quickly asked "why would I need a specialty drink?". This is just my rich society showing us what is supposed to be "normal" when really, all it is is abnormal when you compare it to the big picture of the world and what other people have.
But sometimes, I still would like to sit with my book and hot drink and brownie and enjoy a calm atmosphere. I think after all these days of dates and crackers and creamed corn, it will taste even better than before. :)
So, I should be studying for a test tomorrow morning. But I feel like a great procrastinator tonight. I already did a paper, so I am rewarding myself with not doing anything for a while, but now I'm realizing that it's getting closer to midnight and I know nothing at all that I'm supposed to know for the test. uhh ohhh.
Well...until next time. :)
Friday, October 2, 2009
Turning over a new leaf...
After a week of packing what felt like a million pounds of "stuff", moving 7 people's stuff out and to a new place, and unpacking in the new place, I am finally sitting in our new living room - able to take a deep breath and relax. All I can say is....I am glad that is over. Very glad. It was tiring to say the least, and we are all looking forward to a weekend of sleeping in (hopefully) and finally getting to that homework we have put off all week. :)
Things are seeming to change every day...I think my body has come to adapt to change, I'm thankful for this, considering in the last 2 weeks I:
1) Switched from one job (Stella's) to a new job (coaching swimming)
2) Began a 8 week intensive ESL Teachers Certificate Program (teaching English as a 2nd language)
3) Moved from one large house to another smaller (thankfully) house
4) And now I'm trying to figure out bus routes, and get a handle on my schedule as to keep it well rounded.
A highlight is definately a story from 2 days ago in the University (of Winnipeg). We were all sitting in our class of 15, when one of the girls went to the washroom (a small toilet/sink room in the classroom), when she flushed it and KABOOMMM! The whole top part of it exploded! And a fountain of gushing water was shooting out at top speed. She came flying out, still buttoning her jeans, and freaked out at all of us to get out of the room and get help. By the time we all had gathered our bags off the floor, there was already a growing "lake" we had to slosh through even to get out of the room! The water poured out soo fast, it filled the room (about an inch high) and came out into the common area. By the time the emergency people came and dealt with it, there was a large area under water and unfortunate professors with offices below had water pouring through the ceiling. That was definatly an adrenaline pumping experience which I've never experienced before...soo the next time you flush a toilet, be careful!! It might just explode on you :)
Things are seeming to change every day...I think my body has come to adapt to change, I'm thankful for this, considering in the last 2 weeks I:
1) Switched from one job (Stella's) to a new job (coaching swimming)
2) Began a 8 week intensive ESL Teachers Certificate Program (teaching English as a 2nd language)
3) Moved from one large house to another smaller (thankfully) house
4) And now I'm trying to figure out bus routes, and get a handle on my schedule as to keep it well rounded.
A highlight is definately a story from 2 days ago in the University (of Winnipeg). We were all sitting in our class of 15, when one of the girls went to the washroom (a small toilet/sink room in the classroom), when she flushed it and KABOOMMM! The whole top part of it exploded! And a fountain of gushing water was shooting out at top speed. She came flying out, still buttoning her jeans, and freaked out at all of us to get out of the room and get help. By the time we all had gathered our bags off the floor, there was already a growing "lake" we had to slosh through even to get out of the room! The water poured out soo fast, it filled the room (about an inch high) and came out into the common area. By the time the emergency people came and dealt with it, there was a large area under water and unfortunate professors with offices below had water pouring through the ceiling. That was definatly an adrenaline pumping experience which I've never experienced before...soo the next time you flush a toilet, be careful!! It might just explode on you :)
Monday, July 13, 2009
in the stillness...and the crazy-ness :)
There was a really big thunderstorm on monday night. I was on my second day of my solo camping trip taking Ivy for a walk down through some "do not enter" restricted paths they were reconstructing...I know...it was illegal, but it felt good. :) As the thunder got crazier, and people ran to their campers/tents to seek cover, I kept walking. Walking through a good thunderstorm is one of my favorite things to do...and I've found that going "against the grain" and doing something opposite that everyone else around you is doing is a pretty great feeling of freedom. It reminded me that I am free and can be free to do what I want.
This last week, I've been reflecting on what my solo time meant to me. After wanting to do a trip like that for a couple years now, I am so glad I finally just did it. Here are some of my reflections:
- walking through an entire campground for a few days alone, I began to realize what being lonely is. Everyone around me had someone. I didn't see one person camping by themselves there and a couple times really felt strongly the reality that I did not have anyone to talk to. Its interesting that the hardest part was each night not having anyone to say goodnight to. Such a simple thing that I haven't thought of much, but not having it made me realize how much that makes me feel loved. I was thinking about how I struggled three days without it, yet some people (i.e.those who are homeless/living alone with no support) don't have it for months/years/a lifetime. I can't imagine.
-I think some but not all people know that I have quite an intense fear of wild animals that can kill me (i.e. bears, cougars, etc...). I often try to tell myself that I will be okay, and I am trying to work on this fear. Maybe its because I grew up in the prairies and once i'm in a "danger zone" I get freaked out because of all the stories i've heard. Anyway, the pretty harmless black bears of Bird's Hill Park to most people aren't a big deal at all. But I saw an off road self-guided trail into the back woods in the park and I realized that I had to take it. Alone. (well, I took Ivy, but in the case of a bear attack, i'm not sure if she'd protect me or run away....). It was just a few kilometers, but enough to make me take a bunch of deep breaths and do the whole "you are not going to get eaten by a bear...just keep walking..." thing. And I MADE IT! I know its not a big deal to most people to be able to do something like that, but to me it was a realization that I do not want to run away from things that scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. I so easily stay in my comfort zone and am realizing that I want to break that...slowly but surely to encourage myself to not be paralyzed by fear, but to step out and start living life more freely.
- I have been thinking alot about community lately. I've realized that we often talk about community as it being a good thing. But what is a community without love? I was in a "community" in the park, yet felt so very alone. I've been in communities in churches yet have felt alone. It is community built on love that makes someone feel a "part" of it. It's like Kutless' song "Sea of faces" that reminds me of this the most - how we can be a part of so many communities all around us, yet when it comes to actually feeling a part of any of them, this can be non-existant. When we say "it's good to live in community", what we are really saying is that its good to live with people we love and who love us. Because without that, its just empty community...its living/being with people but having no connection. I was thinking while camping about this whole aspect of community and how strongly I feel about this. I realized that there is so much truth to the idea that our "ness" as humans really comes down to "love and be loved" as what holds us together and helps us through life. I think that last sentence was confusingly written, but hope you understand where I'm going. We are empty without love - being able to give or receive it. And as i was sitting in my loneliness, I was realizing that given a few more weeks/months of the same thing and I'm pretty sure I would literally go crazy. I do not mean to say this lightly. I think there is a connection between people who are without love/lonely and the link to mental health issues,addictions and the high rate of unsuccessful marriage.
Maybe I will dive into these thoughts and more later on, but for now, I need to put some sunscreen on (I'm now paying the price for forgetting this essential stuff last weekend), and go biking around Osborne/the Exchange District with a friend from work. We are going to go to some sweet vintage and music stores! :) Possibly Value village too...always a good time. I love a good deal. I think there may be some Mennonite blood in me after all...or maybe it has to do with not having lots of money. Or growing up a kid who raked people's lawns for 15 cents a huge garbage bag. And i thought that was a fortune!! :)
Oh yeah. And my insane love of country music was renewed last night having a massive bonfire with some girl and guy friends by the river, blasting the music as loud as we could and dancing and hiking through the forest and playing soccer and realizing that I am for sure going to Keith Urban's concert! :) woo hoo! Yea for country!
Adios for now :)
This last week, I've been reflecting on what my solo time meant to me. After wanting to do a trip like that for a couple years now, I am so glad I finally just did it. Here are some of my reflections:
- walking through an entire campground for a few days alone, I began to realize what being lonely is. Everyone around me had someone. I didn't see one person camping by themselves there and a couple times really felt strongly the reality that I did not have anyone to talk to. Its interesting that the hardest part was each night not having anyone to say goodnight to. Such a simple thing that I haven't thought of much, but not having it made me realize how much that makes me feel loved. I was thinking about how I struggled three days without it, yet some people (i.e.those who are homeless/living alone with no support) don't have it for months/years/a lifetime. I can't imagine.
-I think some but not all people know that I have quite an intense fear of wild animals that can kill me (i.e. bears, cougars, etc...). I often try to tell myself that I will be okay, and I am trying to work on this fear. Maybe its because I grew up in the prairies and once i'm in a "danger zone" I get freaked out because of all the stories i've heard. Anyway, the pretty harmless black bears of Bird's Hill Park to most people aren't a big deal at all. But I saw an off road self-guided trail into the back woods in the park and I realized that I had to take it. Alone. (well, I took Ivy, but in the case of a bear attack, i'm not sure if she'd protect me or run away....). It was just a few kilometers, but enough to make me take a bunch of deep breaths and do the whole "you are not going to get eaten by a bear...just keep walking..." thing. And I MADE IT! I know its not a big deal to most people to be able to do something like that, but to me it was a realization that I do not want to run away from things that scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. I so easily stay in my comfort zone and am realizing that I want to break that...slowly but surely to encourage myself to not be paralyzed by fear, but to step out and start living life more freely.
- I have been thinking alot about community lately. I've realized that we often talk about community as it being a good thing. But what is a community without love? I was in a "community" in the park, yet felt so very alone. I've been in communities in churches yet have felt alone. It is community built on love that makes someone feel a "part" of it. It's like Kutless' song "Sea of faces" that reminds me of this the most - how we can be a part of so many communities all around us, yet when it comes to actually feeling a part of any of them, this can be non-existant. When we say "it's good to live in community", what we are really saying is that its good to live with people we love and who love us. Because without that, its just empty community...its living/being with people but having no connection. I was thinking while camping about this whole aspect of community and how strongly I feel about this. I realized that there is so much truth to the idea that our "ness" as humans really comes down to "love and be loved" as what holds us together and helps us through life. I think that last sentence was confusingly written, but hope you understand where I'm going. We are empty without love - being able to give or receive it. And as i was sitting in my loneliness, I was realizing that given a few more weeks/months of the same thing and I'm pretty sure I would literally go crazy. I do not mean to say this lightly. I think there is a connection between people who are without love/lonely and the link to mental health issues,addictions and the high rate of unsuccessful marriage.
Maybe I will dive into these thoughts and more later on, but for now, I need to put some sunscreen on (I'm now paying the price for forgetting this essential stuff last weekend), and go biking around Osborne/the Exchange District with a friend from work. We are going to go to some sweet vintage and music stores! :) Possibly Value village too...always a good time. I love a good deal. I think there may be some Mennonite blood in me after all...or maybe it has to do with not having lots of money. Or growing up a kid who raked people's lawns for 15 cents a huge garbage bag. And i thought that was a fortune!! :)
Oh yeah. And my insane love of country music was renewed last night having a massive bonfire with some girl and guy friends by the river, blasting the music as loud as we could and dancing and hiking through the forest and playing soccer and realizing that I am for sure going to Keith Urban's concert! :) woo hoo! Yea for country!
Adios for now :)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
a different kind of adventure...
Today I am beginning my very first solo camping trip. Off to the beautiful outdoors...just me, my tent and the dog :) She'll protect me from the bears...or run from them...lol. I've been wanting to do this for a few summers already, but it just hasn't happened yet. So I figured now is a great time having the next 3 days off work.
There are several reasons for my taking a few days to be alone. Part of it is for the reason that it scares me. I do love my alone time, but I often have realized that I get uncomfortable after a prolonged period of time by myself. Sitting in my thoughts is something I have been trying to figure out how to do without distracting myself soon afterwards. So, I think its important to get outside my comfort zone and do something that stretches me. I want to allow stillness and quietness to be my focus. I want to sit in my pain and be broken and allow myself to feel...maybe I'll learn through it or it will at least teach me more about why I am me. (which is something as of late that I have been seriously wondering).
But really, when it all comes down to it...I just want to be simple. I love having a simplistic lifestyle and not having much more than a backpack and bed...I think one day i'll end up a wandering hobo living in the mountains...anyone wanna join!? There is just something so special about escaping the chaos and being in nature and sleeping under the stars...and not doing much other than reading, journaling, walking, thinking.
I know I'm not going to figure out everything...maybe even not a couple little things I want to figure out...and I have to be okay with that. I wish I could get all the answers to the rediculous amounts of questions I have right now, but I have to be okay with sitting in my frustration and waiting...even for a long time. This camping trip is just one more adventures in the list of things in my life that have shaped me/will shape me and help me discover who I am - whatever that means.
So I am looking forward to reading the rest of "Through Painted Deserts" and "Searching for God knows what" - both by Donald Miller...brilliant author..."Blue Like Jazz" was very good...I was impressed by his blunt honesty and openness and vulnerbility. So, maybe I'll post some quotes later on from the next few.
Peace out. for now.
Onwards to adventure...
There are several reasons for my taking a few days to be alone. Part of it is for the reason that it scares me. I do love my alone time, but I often have realized that I get uncomfortable after a prolonged period of time by myself. Sitting in my thoughts is something I have been trying to figure out how to do without distracting myself soon afterwards. So, I think its important to get outside my comfort zone and do something that stretches me. I want to allow stillness and quietness to be my focus. I want to sit in my pain and be broken and allow myself to feel...maybe I'll learn through it or it will at least teach me more about why I am me. (which is something as of late that I have been seriously wondering).
But really, when it all comes down to it...I just want to be simple. I love having a simplistic lifestyle and not having much more than a backpack and bed...I think one day i'll end up a wandering hobo living in the mountains...anyone wanna join!? There is just something so special about escaping the chaos and being in nature and sleeping under the stars...and not doing much other than reading, journaling, walking, thinking.
I know I'm not going to figure out everything...maybe even not a couple little things I want to figure out...and I have to be okay with that. I wish I could get all the answers to the rediculous amounts of questions I have right now, but I have to be okay with sitting in my frustration and waiting...even for a long time. This camping trip is just one more adventures in the list of things in my life that have shaped me/will shape me and help me discover who I am - whatever that means.
So I am looking forward to reading the rest of "Through Painted Deserts" and "Searching for God knows what" - both by Donald Miller...brilliant author..."Blue Like Jazz" was very good...I was impressed by his blunt honesty and openness and vulnerbility. So, maybe I'll post some quotes later on from the next few.
Peace out. for now.
Onwards to adventure...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Today was one of those days where I felt encouraged by my co-workers and customers. My chosen summer workplace is Stella's Cafe...in the heart of the beautiful land of Wolseley. :) There are some really good people there...chefs, dishwashers, servers, managers...and I enjoy working with them. I sometimes notice how we tend to focus on the the negative in people and forget/don't open our eyes to the good things about them. Sure, in every workplace there is going to be frustrations and moodiness (and I am sure I've been the reason for that a few times...long days can sure bring out the best in you!). The culture of Wolseley is really growing on me...I have noticed many things about this area of the city in the last 10 months and more now that I'm working in a local cafe. Having lived in other areas of Winnipeg before, I see that this is a very open and accepting place. I notice a difference between levels of openness and personal expression and what is culturally "acceptable" here as opposed to what is not in other places. Not that one place is good and one is bad, I just think that the openness I've seen here is refreshing and it would be great to see it in the other parts of Winnipeg.
On a side note - It is quite fascinating to me how you don't have to go too far to see many different cultures here in the city...and quite sad how many middle/upper class people from other areas of Winnipeg have never ventured the 10 minute drive to see the poverty and homelessness of our downtown/northend. hmmm...
Anywho...so here we are...almost into July. I wish I could live each moment as it comes, yet time seems to somehow be swept away in a blink of an eye. Scary, hey?
I feel like having a bonfire and listening to the Beatles. Sounds fun. :)
On a side note - It is quite fascinating to me how you don't have to go too far to see many different cultures here in the city...and quite sad how many middle/upper class people from other areas of Winnipeg have never ventured the 10 minute drive to see the poverty and homelessness of our downtown/northend. hmmm...
Anywho...so here we are...almost into July. I wish I could live each moment as it comes, yet time seems to somehow be swept away in a blink of an eye. Scary, hey?
I feel like having a bonfire and listening to the Beatles. Sounds fun. :)
Thursday, June 11, 2009
just another brick in the wall...
I think everyone feels like this at some point. Just another brick in the wall. Nothing special or significant, a mould into what we are told to be or want to be or force ourselves to be - often a result of our conformist society.
I walked past a church the other day that had a sign in the front boldly saying "Stop doubting...and BELIEVE!". As if doubting is the worst thing ever and apparently it's just THAT easy to believe. Believe what?!? I think that any beliefs should come hand in hand with doubts and questions. My own incredible amount of doubting and questioning is apparently not a good thing - according to the sign on the church - and I disagree whole heartedly. I feel like a lot of what the church has encouraged is to become just another brick on the wall...to conform and say all the right things at all the right times. Yet, what about asking the tough questions in order to figure out who we are and why we are here? There is no happiness or satisfaction in conformity, as this picture portrays. Only more brokenness. And I fully intend on continuing my journey being free to ask those questions, and being free to doubt. And in the mean time, I think those people at the church should change their sign. :)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
to be with dolphins...
I'm remembering the sounds of wild dolphins swimming all around me in the open ocean...hundreds of them gracefully gliding. Free. As far down as I could look were these magnificant animals, as far in every direction that is all I saw. I cannot describe what it was like to swim amongst the pod...probably all who had never seen human beings, yet alone welcomed them into their midst. I was terrified...yet, it was the feeling of being in awe that overwhelmed me...I had never witnessed anything like that before. For just a few short minutes of my life I was in this other world. I wanted to push the "pause" button and not let time slip away...
This experience taught me a lot. I learned what it means to feel small...to not have control, but try to be okay with it...to let the simplicity of life carry me. I felt like I was a part of something big...something extraordinary...
My heart aches. I long for healing. Yet, it seems to come so slowly. I wish I could bring others into this world of peacefulness that I experienced with the dolphins. I wish I could gather everyone's pain in a bottle and throw it far far away...but it doesn't work like that. And all we have to offer is love - this gesture that often seems so pitiful and insignificant, and hope that in some way, it helps.
I like to dream big...it gives me this feeling of hope - that there can be something more. One of my all time dreams is to have a beautiful big house on the edge of an ocean with miles of white sand, more flowers than I can imagine, horses, golden retrievers, and big oak tree forests with endless hiking possibilities. And it would be a place of rest, peace, hope, comfort, warmth, and grace. For those who are lonely. Single moms who have no where to turn for help. Girls who seek acceptance through prostitution and never seem to find it. People overcome by addiction. Someone who has nothing but a cardboard box to their name. Those who are left out. Forgotten. Invisible. This is what my heart aches for. Can you imagine a place like this?!? Where everyone feels like they belong and has something to give...and also where they can rest in the feeling of being loved no matter what baggage they carry or what scars they have...a place to just be.
There's something I have realized...I am screwing up. I want to be a person of warmth, of love, of grace, of acceptance. Yet, I am given many opportunities to do this, and I don't. I understand that everything starts small and I can only do so much - yet if I am not even doing the small things, what am I doing at all? Am I capable of such love?
Here is the company statement read on the front page of the application forms for Starbucks:
"Starbucks Coffee Company is an equal opportunity employer, dedicated to a policy of non-discrimination in employment on any basis including race, color, age, sex, religion, national origin, the presense of mental, physical, or sensory disability, sexual orientation, or any other basis prohibited by federal, or provincial law."
I feel like that should be my life statement. Yet, it is so much easier to put into words than into actions. I want to yell at the top of my lungs "equality for all!!!!"...and see if something happens...maybe my first impressions of people will be replaced by a knowledge that each person has brokenness they are hiding. Maybe I have to learn to be more comfortable in my uncomfortableness. To grasp onto the fact that each of us is hurting and we need each other. I want to find that freedom that I felt with the dolphins. And maybe in an idealistic world we can live in a big house by the ocean - and offer a place of escape - but for now we are here. And for now, I need to sit in my frustrations...and go to sleep. Because it is late and I think I have had enough of "contemplating the mysteries of the universe" for one day. :)
This experience taught me a lot. I learned what it means to feel small...to not have control, but try to be okay with it...to let the simplicity of life carry me. I felt like I was a part of something big...something extraordinary...
My heart aches. I long for healing. Yet, it seems to come so slowly. I wish I could bring others into this world of peacefulness that I experienced with the dolphins. I wish I could gather everyone's pain in a bottle and throw it far far away...but it doesn't work like that. And all we have to offer is love - this gesture that often seems so pitiful and insignificant, and hope that in some way, it helps.
I like to dream big...it gives me this feeling of hope - that there can be something more. One of my all time dreams is to have a beautiful big house on the edge of an ocean with miles of white sand, more flowers than I can imagine, horses, golden retrievers, and big oak tree forests with endless hiking possibilities. And it would be a place of rest, peace, hope, comfort, warmth, and grace. For those who are lonely. Single moms who have no where to turn for help. Girls who seek acceptance through prostitution and never seem to find it. People overcome by addiction. Someone who has nothing but a cardboard box to their name. Those who are left out. Forgotten. Invisible. This is what my heart aches for. Can you imagine a place like this?!? Where everyone feels like they belong and has something to give...and also where they can rest in the feeling of being loved no matter what baggage they carry or what scars they have...a place to just be.
There's something I have realized...I am screwing up. I want to be a person of warmth, of love, of grace, of acceptance. Yet, I am given many opportunities to do this, and I don't. I understand that everything starts small and I can only do so much - yet if I am not even doing the small things, what am I doing at all? Am I capable of such love?
Here is the company statement read on the front page of the application forms for Starbucks:
"Starbucks Coffee Company is an equal opportunity employer, dedicated to a policy of non-discrimination in employment on any basis including race, color, age, sex, religion, national origin, the presense of mental, physical, or sensory disability, sexual orientation, or any other basis prohibited by federal, or provincial law."
I feel like that should be my life statement. Yet, it is so much easier to put into words than into actions. I want to yell at the top of my lungs "equality for all!!!!"...and see if something happens...maybe my first impressions of people will be replaced by a knowledge that each person has brokenness they are hiding. Maybe I have to learn to be more comfortable in my uncomfortableness. To grasp onto the fact that each of us is hurting and we need each other. I want to find that freedom that I felt with the dolphins. And maybe in an idealistic world we can live in a big house by the ocean - and offer a place of escape - but for now we are here. And for now, I need to sit in my frustrations...and go to sleep. Because it is late and I think I have had enough of "contemplating the mysteries of the universe" for one day. :)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
the best song EVER
"If Today Was Your Last Day"
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Renewal
I miss this view.
For several summers, this was how I started each day. This was "my chair", my own place to go and relax and think.
I think we all need a place like this...it is just hard to find it when you live in the middle of a huge city.
Oh I love the country and stillness and the peace that quiet open areas bring me.
As Jennie said that Wendell Berry said...
"I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting for their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
As Jennie said that Wendell Berry said...
"I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting for their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
Thursday, March 12, 2009
ok...it looks like Jennie gets yet ANOTHER blog post dedicated to her.
So. Because Jennie has asked me probably 10 times in the last week (i might be exaggerating just a tad...) if I have blogged lately and when I say no, she's always like "ohhh...well, I think you should blog". So, I guess this is out of feeling guilty. Or to please her. But I realized maybe its time for me to write on here just for fun again..since it's been a while. I am a people pleaser at heart...I don't like people being unhappy or frustrated and often find that I do everything in my power to keep everyone happy around me. Conflict scares me...even though I have dealt with my share of it in my lifetime. But yet, I've always found that the uncomfortableness about conflict - if you handle the situation right - can often be resolved and bring people back to being happy again (possibly even closer than before). Not in all cases, as I have discovered. One very particular situation pops into my mind which involved weeks of akwardness, one very big screaming match in a dorm hallway, "trying" to see both sides to the story, probably being very unsuccessful at seeing that, crying, ignoring, backstabbing, and the list goes on. Twas not such a wonderful experience, but it did teach me quite a bit too. Girls can be mean. And make me want to tear my hair out sometimes...especially if you are the one listening and trying to be a "mediator" - whatever that means. It's hard and frustrating. Hmmm...now I'm wondering what brought me to the place of thinking of these things...oh yeah. People pleasing. haha. So, to wrap it up, there are definately times where everyone does not end up happy and conflict cannot be resolved. For those times, there are always desks to hide under (wink wink), beds to crawl in and lights to turn off. Sometimes, its fun to escape. But mostly, its those times that I want to escape that I have to attack the situation head on.
I have the wonderful opportunity of living with 6 other girls in a big green house in a great part of town. The birds are chirping today even though its still -20 out there...oh WHEN will summer be here?!? I am egerly anticipating that time...spring is my favorite....and fall...those brief months where it is somewhere in between our normal extremes of either -40 or +40. oh WHY do we choose to live in the most extreme weather area of the world!!! Often, it doesn't make sense to me.
Ok....I am running out of things to say. I am consumed with frustrations of application processes and on-line programs that don't know how to recognize the fact that identical twins ARE two separate people...what you have to deal with when you are a twin....hmmm...but I must say it is more like 90% good, 10% frustrating. So, there is my being positive. I love being a twin. Honestly. It's fun. :)
Enough for now. I hope you are satisfied Jennie. And whoever else reads this thing...sometimes i think no one does and then I think to myself "why do I even do this?"...hmmmm..but i guess its fun and a stress reliever at the same time, so I shall continue. :)
So. Because Jennie has asked me probably 10 times in the last week (i might be exaggerating just a tad...) if I have blogged lately and when I say no, she's always like "ohhh...well, I think you should blog". So, I guess this is out of feeling guilty. Or to please her. But I realized maybe its time for me to write on here just for fun again..since it's been a while. I am a people pleaser at heart...I don't like people being unhappy or frustrated and often find that I do everything in my power to keep everyone happy around me. Conflict scares me...even though I have dealt with my share of it in my lifetime. But yet, I've always found that the uncomfortableness about conflict - if you handle the situation right - can often be resolved and bring people back to being happy again (possibly even closer than before). Not in all cases, as I have discovered. One very particular situation pops into my mind which involved weeks of akwardness, one very big screaming match in a dorm hallway, "trying" to see both sides to the story, probably being very unsuccessful at seeing that, crying, ignoring, backstabbing, and the list goes on. Twas not such a wonderful experience, but it did teach me quite a bit too. Girls can be mean. And make me want to tear my hair out sometimes...especially if you are the one listening and trying to be a "mediator" - whatever that means. It's hard and frustrating. Hmmm...now I'm wondering what brought me to the place of thinking of these things...oh yeah. People pleasing. haha. So, to wrap it up, there are definately times where everyone does not end up happy and conflict cannot be resolved. For those times, there are always desks to hide under (wink wink), beds to crawl in and lights to turn off. Sometimes, its fun to escape. But mostly, its those times that I want to escape that I have to attack the situation head on.
I have the wonderful opportunity of living with 6 other girls in a big green house in a great part of town. The birds are chirping today even though its still -20 out there...oh WHEN will summer be here?!? I am egerly anticipating that time...spring is my favorite....and fall...those brief months where it is somewhere in between our normal extremes of either -40 or +40. oh WHY do we choose to live in the most extreme weather area of the world!!! Often, it doesn't make sense to me.
Ok....I am running out of things to say. I am consumed with frustrations of application processes and on-line programs that don't know how to recognize the fact that identical twins ARE two separate people...what you have to deal with when you are a twin....hmmm...but I must say it is more like 90% good, 10% frustrating. So, there is my being positive. I love being a twin. Honestly. It's fun. :)
Enough for now. I hope you are satisfied Jennie. And whoever else reads this thing...sometimes i think no one does and then I think to myself "why do I even do this?"...hmmmm..but i guess its fun and a stress reliever at the same time, so I shall continue. :)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Ever have one of those days where you feel like ranting...about everything that bugs the crap out of you? I am having one of those days...and thought that I'd share with you my top 5 pet peeves. So enjoy. Agree or disagree with me, it's up to you. Some of these things may seem unimportant or trivial, but whatever, we all get annoyed at things that happen around us in day to day activities...so I hope you have fun (and maybe even enjoy) reading my rants. Any thoughts/opinions/or other pet peeves are gladly welcomed in response. :)
1) One of my biggest pet peeves is when people buy bottled water. PEOPLE! We live in one of the most fresh water rich countries in the world...it is clean, tastes good and is better quality out of the tap than almost anywhere else you go. Just ask for a cup, or buy a nalgene (or stainless steel bottle b/c apparently nalgene's cause cancer...) and fill it up with tap water. Also, if you are with me, save yourself the lecture and please don't buy a bottle of water for like 2 bucks (or $5 if you are at the movie theatre...grrrr...), it will annoy the heck out of me - PLUS, you will save your money! And if you are one of the many people that use the excuse that the water here doesn't taste good...then go buy a brita filter! It is a one time expense, makes the water taste even better, and takes away any of the "floaties" that you may be worried about.
Pet Peeve #2) I can hardly contain my intensity about this topic. I am in my fourth year of university now, and have taken more classes than I can count had hundreds of hours of listening to lectures. There is a certain time when the class is supposed to end, right? It seems like as this time approaches, starting at 5 minutes before and escalating up till the minute that the class is "dismissed", people start moving around, fidgiting, putting books/binders away, putting jackets on, and talking to their neighbors, without having enough RESPECT to keep quiet until the prof says the class is over. It's like we live in a world where students think that even if the prof is still talking, but the clock says the time is almost up, it gives them the right to talk over what he/she is trying to say and by doing so is outrightly saying to the prof "okay now, you're time is up...you have to finish speaking because I have to move on with my much more preferred schedule." As if it would be soo hard to just sit there in silence and politely wait for 1-2 more minutes (longer for the more impatient ones..). This bugs me soooo much. I will never understand why people can't just wait. It is RUDE. The prof is trying to do their job and must feel very unheard, disrespected or that the students don't care what the heck they are saying (they are just putting in "time" to get the degree). So...please...if you are one of those people - STOP. Try to see it from the profs perspective and how that must be so frustrating to them. If you aren't one of those people... thank-you! You are welcome to join me in my position and get annoyed at people who do that...or maybe we can start a website...or a facebook group..or something.
Pet Peeve #3) Going on the bus everyday, I have the priviledge of observing people a lot. This is one of my favorite things to do because people can be so interesting...and weird...hmmm.
Something that I've noticed is how people treat bus drivers. Like they are not there. I guess it would be just too much of an effort to meet their eyes, acknowledge their existence, and say HI! Or when you are getting off the bus, to say "Thank-you!". Apparently, it's just a lot easier to flash your bus pass to them like they are an automatic detection devise scanning to detect whether you have an actual pass or a "fake ID pass". Just a reminder, bus drivers ARE people...they work long hours and get us around the city safely, and I have yet to meet many unfriendly bus drivers. I'm sure they appreciate a thank-you for the hard work they put in...
Pet Peeve #4) When people are making toast...and they put just a small clump of margarine in the middle of the piece, sort of "spread it out"a couple of centimeters - then eat it. So, all the margarine is in the middle of it, clumped together, and the rest of it is as dry as a desert and crunchy...ewwww!!
Pet peeve #5) Ever have one of those times where you meet someone for the first time and they shake your hand...but "shake" wouldn't be the right word for it...maybe "gently touch", "politely move" or "hardly grasp" would be better terms for the experience. It's like they are scared to grip you too firmly because your bones may break. Or whatever the reason. It just bugs me.
I know there are some more where that came from...but that's enough for now. I feel better. Ranting is awesome....you should try it sometime :)
1) One of my biggest pet peeves is when people buy bottled water. PEOPLE! We live in one of the most fresh water rich countries in the world...it is clean, tastes good and is better quality out of the tap than almost anywhere else you go. Just ask for a cup, or buy a nalgene (or stainless steel bottle b/c apparently nalgene's cause cancer...) and fill it up with tap water. Also, if you are with me, save yourself the lecture and please don't buy a bottle of water for like 2 bucks (or $5 if you are at the movie theatre...grrrr...), it will annoy the heck out of me - PLUS, you will save your money! And if you are one of the many people that use the excuse that the water here doesn't taste good...then go buy a brita filter! It is a one time expense, makes the water taste even better, and takes away any of the "floaties" that you may be worried about.
Pet Peeve #2) I can hardly contain my intensity about this topic. I am in my fourth year of university now, and have taken more classes than I can count had hundreds of hours of listening to lectures. There is a certain time when the class is supposed to end, right? It seems like as this time approaches, starting at 5 minutes before and escalating up till the minute that the class is "dismissed", people start moving around, fidgiting, putting books/binders away, putting jackets on, and talking to their neighbors, without having enough RESPECT to keep quiet until the prof says the class is over. It's like we live in a world where students think that even if the prof is still talking, but the clock says the time is almost up, it gives them the right to talk over what he/she is trying to say and by doing so is outrightly saying to the prof "okay now, you're time is up...you have to finish speaking because I have to move on with my much more preferred schedule." As if it would be soo hard to just sit there in silence and politely wait for 1-2 more minutes (longer for the more impatient ones..). This bugs me soooo much. I will never understand why people can't just wait. It is RUDE. The prof is trying to do their job and must feel very unheard, disrespected or that the students don't care what the heck they are saying (they are just putting in "time" to get the degree). So...please...if you are one of those people - STOP. Try to see it from the profs perspective and how that must be so frustrating to them. If you aren't one of those people... thank-you! You are welcome to join me in my position and get annoyed at people who do that...or maybe we can start a website...or a facebook group..or something.
Pet Peeve #3) Going on the bus everyday, I have the priviledge of observing people a lot. This is one of my favorite things to do because people can be so interesting...and weird...hmmm.
Something that I've noticed is how people treat bus drivers. Like they are not there. I guess it would be just too much of an effort to meet their eyes, acknowledge their existence, and say HI! Or when you are getting off the bus, to say "Thank-you!". Apparently, it's just a lot easier to flash your bus pass to them like they are an automatic detection devise scanning to detect whether you have an actual pass or a "fake ID pass". Just a reminder, bus drivers ARE people...they work long hours and get us around the city safely, and I have yet to meet many unfriendly bus drivers. I'm sure they appreciate a thank-you for the hard work they put in...
Pet Peeve #4) When people are making toast...and they put just a small clump of margarine in the middle of the piece, sort of "spread it out"a couple of centimeters - then eat it. So, all the margarine is in the middle of it, clumped together, and the rest of it is as dry as a desert and crunchy...ewwww!!
Pet peeve #5) Ever have one of those times where you meet someone for the first time and they shake your hand...but "shake" wouldn't be the right word for it...maybe "gently touch", "politely move" or "hardly grasp" would be better terms for the experience. It's like they are scared to grip you too firmly because your bones may break. Or whatever the reason. It just bugs me.
I know there are some more where that came from...but that's enough for now. I feel better. Ranting is awesome....you should try it sometime :)
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